A man in his mid-forties stops me on my morning walk along Vancouver’s seawall to say he thinks I am “breathtakingly beautiful.” Okay. He’s over the top with his compliment. But I understand. He knows — and I unabashedly acknowledge — that he made my day. We go our separate ways. The encounter astonished, charmed and lifted me.
A few days later a couple in their mid-forties accosts me on the sidewalk, aiming a cell phone at my face. “Who do you think you are to disturb the gulls and their babies on the top of that building!” They claim to have photographed me and demand that I explain my harmful behaviour. I truthfully, calmly, deny being on the roof and walk away, though moments later check nervously over my shoulder to see if they’re stalking me. The encounter alarmed, perplexed and upset me.
The first incident is easy to interpret: in passing on kind words, the man makes us both feel great, a reciprocal concession in the pursuit of happiness. The second requires deciphering.
At this point in the story I must mention the couple is Middle Eastern. On reflection I believe the two lashed out at my white privilege. In their verbal attack, they hoped to provoke me into uttering racist slurs, capture on video the rant of an irate white woman, and go viral with it. They were disappointed not to entrap me. But they did ruin my day.
According to our son Brandon, in their view I am a ‘Karen’, a pejorative slang term made popular through social media to describe an “obnoxious, angry, entitled, and often racist middle-aged white woman.”
We cannot explain why Karen is the name chosen to deride white privilege. We apologize to Brandon’s elementary school teacher Karen, who aided him in his struggles as a biracial child in a predominantly white community. Apologies also to my high school friend Karen, who recently reentered my life as a member of our East Edmonton Reunion Committee. Neither of these women is a ‘Karen’ in the current lexicon.
Even though Brandon insists I’m no ‘Karen’, asserting the couple targeted the wrong woman, I have been reading, listening and learning about racial injustice, systemic racism, microagressions and unconscious bias. It’s not enough for me not to be a racist; I need to be an anti-racist. But how? I’m working on solutions to that question and welcome your ideas in the comments below.
Glen notes the two encounters occurred during the pandemic, which has put people a bit ‘off’; he’d title this piece “COVID Poles.” My sister-in-law Nina says I sure take exciting walks. The moral of my post? How about a walk a day keeps boredom away? Or you can propose an alternative below. •
P.S. The first encounter reminds me to emanate or express kindness — as BC’s Dr. Bonnie Henry advises in her daily coronavirus briefings.
P.P.S. On another walk a man tried to convince me that Canada’s Governor General dissolved Parliament because of the Prime Minister’s entanglement in the WE controversy. I was amused but not duped.
Patricia Young says
Good morning Pam,
Your thought-provoking blog today has given me much to contemplate as I walk to and along Kits Beach this morning. Thanks for your thoughts as always!
Pat
Pam McPhail says
I look forward to hearing your thoughts, Pat, at our next physically distanced HH.
Catherine McCallum says
The first man ‘s lovely comments reminds me of a sign at our local fruitstand – “Be the reason someone smiles today”. I try, unsuccessfully some days, to remember that. Your sister-in-law is correct, you do take interesting walks!
Pam McPhail says
I will remember the sign’s advice and, like you, try to follow it.
Cookie says
How nice that your first encounter was so positive. He saw your beauty outside. I am fortunate to know your inner beauty as well. As for the couple, there are stories here almost daily about people doing and saying inappropriate things during the pandemic. Mario and I refer to them as Covidiots!
Miss you!
Cookie
Pam McPhail says
Oh Cookie, thank you for your kind words. I miss you too and, given the circumstances in Arizona, don’t know when we’ll next get together on the tennis court and at a breakfast spot. Let’s hope we don’t lose a whole season! Warmest (though it’s hot🥵 in Scottsdale) regards to you and Mario.
Ron Charuk says
I agree, the male equivalent of a ‘Karen’ supposedly is a ‘Chad’. However, my good friend Chad certainly doesn’t fit that stereotype. Odd, how we feel the need to label everything. The second couple I refer to as ‘trolls’. (Label ???, lol) They look for reasons to stir debate on any issue that strikes them as contrary to their own beliefs. Our society has become overly sensitized and overly confrontational. It’s sad, actually. Let’s hope your first encounter continues to outweigh your second one.
I hope we can all get together soon!
Pam McPhail says
Glad you added your thoughtful observations, Ron. See you along the way…
Glen Wickens says
I envy the guy on the sea wall. If I were to refer to my wife as breathtakingly beautiful (which of course she is) she would detect some irony. Still, a compliment a day helps keep the Covid blues away.
Pam McPhail says
I like your alternative adage and vow in future to accept your compliments literally, not ironically, to keep the blues away.
Kimball Smith says
Hello there Pam – you’ve always been a hottie – inside and out – Cheers Kimball !
Pam McPhail says
Well, a surprising — and not unwelcome — message from you, Kimball, after all these years. Thanks!
Linda W says
Such a nice thing the first guy did, while such a disappointing experience you encountered by the other two. I had never thought or heard of people intentionally approaching white people with the intention of creating conflict. I am glad I know now and will definitely be aware if it should happen.
Take care.
Pam McPhail says
Let’s hope such a nasty encounter does not recur with me, you or any undeserving white woman.
J Grant McPhail says
Very thoughtful article and comments. It’s too bad that unhappy people tend to want to spread their feelings.
Stay positive! ❤
Pam McPhail says
Usually I resist negativity, but the encounter with the couple unsettled me — until I clarified it. Feelin’ positive again. You too!❤️
Brandon says
Breathtakingly beautiful is accurate. Spot on.
Pam McPhail says
Aw, no bias in your remark!❤️ Are you angling for a meal at the Baybreeze Café?