Marina and Andrew welcomed Elizabeth Katherine, a healthy 7 lb. 8 oz. sister to Henry and Charlie, into the world on August 15 at 8:40 a.m. EDT, making Glen and me grandparents for a third time. On this joyous occasion in Toronto, we were at home in Vancouver — because we don’t live in the same city as our children and grandchildren.
I often wonder about the role of grandparents. And who determines it. Society raises expectations of the role: for example, more involvement (though not of the advice giving variety) is better than less. Living in proximity (though not next door) is preferable to being distant. Availability to look after grandchildren is commendable. In trying to meet these expectations, however, we — and/or our children — set ourselves up for disappointment; we may fall short by comparison to other families.
There are no easy definitions of the role. And there’s no rehearsal for it. One day, if we’re fortunate, we become grandparents. Can we look for mentors — fellow grandparents — to follow their best practices? Not really. No situation is the same. No relationship with our children is the same. And no affinity with our sons- or daughters-in-law is the same.
A friend once observed, “if we don’t live near our children in our later years, why have any?” When Glen and I relocated to Vancouver, we had no grandchildren and, at the time, our children accepted our decision to live 2100 miles away from them. Three children of her own later, Marina now says we should move to Toronto. But in our sunset years, we cannot make momentous decisions based on the wishes of our children. As parents, we did our best to prepare them for their journeys after home; then we dealt with the empty nest syndrome and the changing circumstances that come with aging.
Glen and I worked hard to build a satisfying life in Vancouver — and succeeded. For our well-being, we cannot contemplate a move. Rather than feel guilty about not heeding Marina’s call, we’ll feel flattered in knowing she’d like us around more often. (How’s that for turning a negative into a positive!)
Parents guide the developing narratives of their children’s lives; grandparents play supporting roles. Of course different situations govern the prominence of the role. For instance, I know grandparents who’d love to engage with their grandchild yet face barriers established by their in-law. I also know grandparents who live near their grandchildren yet choose to limit the encounters to a few times a year. Conversely, I know grandparents who are hands-on because their child is a single parent. Sometimes three generations cohabit. No one size fits all. However, regardless of the situation, grandparents must defer graciously to the rules of their adult children. It is their turn to help shape the stories of a next generation.
Like most boomers, we try to maintain sufficient funds to buy plane tickets for our children and grandchildren to visit us, as well as to pay for trips to see them. We emphasize the quality of our time together, making it fun largely through activities. Advances in technology also aid in overcoming the challenge of distance. Chats on FaceTime or Skype have become the next best thing to hugging our children and grandchildren.
The relationship between children and parents constitutes the primal bond. Children today seem to assume grandparents visit to see their grandchildren, but that doesn’t paint the whole picture. Glen says Henry, Charlie, and now Elizabeth are like a collective activity that allows him to share time with Marina.
Before the birth, Marina decided she wanted us to come to Toronto after Andrew returns to work at Thanksgiving. Glen and I rented a two bedroom apartment in their neighbourhood so the boys can sleep over during our visit. We’ll relish the time spent with our adorable grandchildren — especially given we do not bear abiding responsibility for them! ♥
P.S. Please add your comments about the role of grandparents.
Patricia B. says
As usual we baby boomers are making our own rules. No right and no wrong answers. I’m just happy my bonus grandchildren call me Grandma Pat and make each visit to them a very special time.
Pam McPhail says
Yes, making rules by trial and, we hope, a minimum of error. Roy and you have wonderful grandchildren —- as I discovered at this year’s family reunion.
Linda Richardson says
My husband and I are lucky to have a grandchild living here in Victoria, B.C. but we also have two grandchildren living in Edmonton. Although my daughter and son-in-law here know that I enjoy my grandma time with Otis, they have never taken that fact for granted just because I live in the same vicinity as they do. My husband and I play a different role with our grandchildren Luke and Rose in Edmonton. We plan visits to see them in Edmonton when we can and have also looked after them for longer periods both in Victoria and Kelowna. We consider ourselves to be the “extra” grandparents since Luke and Rose have two grandmothers and a grandfather in Edmonton. We have always felt that you cannot follow your children because you never know where they will settle. Young people are so very mobile these days. So as you and Glen did, we decided to move where we wanted to spend our retirement years and then work out how to remain close to our children and grandchildren as the years went by.
Pam McPhail says
It’s interesting to note the effects of blended families. Given that children of boomers often have stepparents, their children gain multiple grandparents, more than the traditional four. More love is better than less.
Glen Wickens says
Grandparents perhaps become “cooler” than they might when they live in such wonderful places to visit as Victoria, Vancouver, and Scottsdale. They become associated with Stanley Park, the sea wall, and Granville Island in Vancouver or the Green Belt and Railroad Park in Scottsdale. Of course we grandparents are loved for our own sake as splendid people (!) but it doesn’t hurt to be associated with beautiful scenery and fun activities. Pam and I have also joined Marina and family for some special holiday time in the Adirondacks and the Rocky Mountains. Henry still talks about all the freight trains that went by near the condo we rented in Fernie, B.C. Place matters and time itself changes when visits become removed from the ordinary flow of life.
Pam McPhail says
It’s a privilege for us to enjoy holidays involving three generations. So far we’ve gotten the places right —- whether at our homes or away.
Tim McPhail says
Good topic for Sunset Years Pam.
Usually the grandparents have a much more relaxing time with their young grandchildren than they did with their children. For one thing, they are much more confident than they were as first time parents. They realize that children won’t break if taken to a tub and quickly washed during a diaper change for example. Plus, they’ve learned from all the mistakes they made a generation ago.
I believe their new perspective leads to a different relationship with the child. One that is much less critical and controlling. That in turn creates a different return of love from the grandchild than they received from their child. The grandchild looks upon the grandparent more as a benevolent buddy than an authority figure. And a very rewarding relationship it is !!
Pam McPhail says
Because we behave as though we’re “on holiday” with our grandchildren, they do regard us somewhat as buddies. But it’s out of respect for Marina and Andrew, who are the primary nurturers, that we keep our parenting practices to ourselves. As a result, we all enjoy rewarding relationships.
Linda Richardson says
Very smart policy Pam!
Sonya Bardati says
I am a grandmother that is far away and I have always been, except for our daughter’s first boy, she lived with us but 6 months down the road I was in Victoria, while grandpa was still in Sherbrooke for 6 more months. Did we miss our grandson, yes, but they came to visit us in Victoria several times, they came to Yuma 2 years ago, that grandson was 19 and little brother 14. We think we had more to give once the umbilical cord was severed and we certainly believe in our children learning to be parents by themselves. Now my new husband was analyzing my grandchildren and he said that they were all very well prepared for independent adult life. I have 5 grandchildren 4 boys and one girl, in that order, 30, 21, 16, 17, and soon to be 16. Ok, forgot to say I have 2 sons and a daughter. So, Pam and Glen, I would do what you want to do, no guilt trip, if our children’s job would have taken them to Timbuktu, they would have gone.
Pam McPhail says
I’m glad you added your story, Sonya. Well said. We should be able to make our choices with no pressure or judgement from our children or from society. Because no one size fits all in the roles of grandparents. You — and we — found a fit for our situations.