“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” — Simone Weil (1909-43)
Putting ourselves on mute when others talk is sound advice to follow during our conversations. This tactic ensures hearing, defined as the “the faculty or sense by which sound is perceived.” But how about listening, which means “to pay attention to sound; to hear something with thoughtful attention.” We shouldn’t just hear people, especially when they’re discussing serious issues, situations or feelings; we must listen to them. But how do we practice active listening?
- Just as we’ve learned multitasking is bad for our brain health so is it for our listening ability: focus, focus, focus.
- Asking questions prolongs discussions. Think grammatically: a question mark advances a topic better than a period.
- Use nonverbal communication (e.g., smiles, wide eyes, gasps, nods) to show attentiveness.
- Maintain eye contact with the other person, to indicate our ‘presence’ in the conversation.
- Hold off on sharing a similar story or experience. Put simply: wait our turn, which may not occur until a later day.
- Decades ago a friend implanted in my mind a phrase that helps me to listen (when I heed it): don’t go into ‘fix-it’ mode. Often a person wants to talk or vent; our role is to tune in or commiserate, not to counsel a solution.
While the above tips apply to personal conversations, we may also engage in political ones, sometimes in a context of polarization. Dr. Sandro Galeo writes, in his weighty argument about the value of listening outside our bubbles: “We should not engage with people we disagree with from a place of condescension, and we should not listen to them merely to wait for them to stop speaking so we can communicate our predetermined message. Rather, we should engage at a human level, with the good-faith assumption that there may even be something we can learn from those whose views strike us as self-evidently wrong. It is only by engaging in this spirit that we can hope to overcome sectarianism and advance a healthier world.”
When replaying conversations from the past, I admit to not always giving my full consideration to the person speaking. Although I don’t normally make NY’s resolutions, I’ve decided on one for 2022: to listen up. •
P.S. Pandemic restrictions have caused us to rely on technology for communicating with friends, family and colleagues. Do you think Zoom and other apps have improved or worsened our listening skills?
P.P.S. Do you think a good listener and a good conversationalist can coexist?
Janet Anderson says
Thanks for another informative article Pam
Reflecting I have been guilty of not really listening to a particular conversation, only too ready to give advice rather than remain silent and absorb what was shared.
Merry Christmas to you and Glen! Enjoy the warmth of each other, and of course the weather!
Linda W says
Listening is so important and certainly something to work on in the future. Thanks for the reminder.
Catherine McCallum says
This is a good reminder Pam, especially in these times with so many polarizing subjects. I am very guilty of jumping into conversations to offer my vast knowledge, advice or learned opinion! This does not bode well for a civilized conversation. This is especially true when it is a subject or cause that I feel very passionate about. I am starting to learn (very belatedly) that there are certain subjects to be avoided at all costs. They are not worthy of my time or peace of mind.
Chris Krueger says
Listening is so important. Many relationships can get lost without really listening to the other person.
I wish you and Glen a lovely Christmas 🌲
Dale says
Especially important for those of us who have worked hard developing a career lecturing on Zoom. Lecturing does not always lend itself well to listening. Thank you for the reminder to “listen up.”
Pam McPhail says
Many thanks, friends, for adding your salient comments and good wishes. I notice only women wrote their observations about this post on active listening. Interesting, though not worth hypothesizing about the conversational tendencies of men and women…
Anon. says
I have now resolved to talk less and to ‘listen up’ more. Anyone can drone on at length but to be a good listener takes real talent. This will be my first New Year’s Resolution!
– a taciturn male reader
Pam McPhail says
Mr. Anon., I know you to be a good listener and talker: neither taciturn nor loquacious. No real need to make your first New Year’s Resolution!
Marie McLean says
Yes, I find good listening requires hard work. It’s so tempting to jump in with advice, comments, even support. To listen to someone “venting” is particularly hard, as you feel you want to help ease their distress (fix-it mode). I should accept that simply listening is helping. I’m afraid I’m guilty of not wanting to listen to people whose views I consider unacceptable or even dangerous. I’m not sure how I’m going to get to that level of empathetic listening. I avoid these people to save me the distress I feel when listening to them.
Pam McPhail says
To be good listeners we need to be good readers — of people. Sometimes a person might welcome your sound advice and comments, Marie. Other times not. Reading the discussion right, body language and all, is the challenge.
Good friends of mine are ardent Trump supporters. I practice nonjudgmental listening — though it ain’t easy!
Glen Wickens says
In 1983, Stella Adler, who taught Marlon Brando, gave a lecture in Toronto on how to begin work on a play and a part. She stressed the importance of the “art of listening,” listening “with your heart, with your talent, with your life streaming through to the person who is talking to you and who is communicating with you.”
Pam McPhail says
Adler gave powerful advice that we can try to follow in our non theatrical lives. Glad you added this quotation, Glen.