On October 15, 2017 the MeToo hashtag, indicating the movement against sexual harassment and assault, went viral on social media, with 4.7 million people in 12 million posts using it on Facebook alone in the first 24 hours. I was one of the millions.
A year later I’ve chosen to write about my experiences, because our son (who motivated me to start my blog) believes this essential movement needs to hear from ordinary women like me, who’ve no one to sue, no scores to settle, but who can attest to shameful episodes of men crossing the line.
Reader discretion is advised. Scenes of harassment and assault follow.
NUMBER ONE
When my girlfriend Ingrid and I were driving east across the southern U.S. in 1971, our van broke down in Morgan City, Louisiana, a small town 85 miles west of New Orleans. Because the garage needed to order a special part for the repair, we found a safe place to park our camper: the lot of the police station. In the next few days we chatted with several policemen, including the Sheriff. First shock: the white men told us they’d recently lynched a black man for raping a white woman. With no notion of the word allegedly and no trial, they simply hung him. And felt no remorse.
Second shock: after escorting us around town and touring us on his luxury yacht, the Sheriff took me for a ride in the countryside, stopping unexpectedly at the dead-end of a remote road. Under the guise of practising amateur psychology, i.e. discussing sex, he pawed me. Incredulous that a figure of authority would assault me, I burst into tears. To my profound relief, he discontinued his actions and we returned to the station. Ingrid and I left town as soon as possible. Only she heard my story.
NUMBER TWO
Less than a year later when I sought professional help to deal with the tragedy of Ingrid’s death, a psychologist sat me on his lap and fondled me, as I wept inconsolably. At the same time, he counselled me not to let grief diminish my interest in sex. I soon gave up on him, and on the University of Alberta, much to my parents’ disappointment. I did not tell them of the abuse. But another figure of authority had breached my trust.
Twenty years later, Mom told me the same psychologist had harassed her a few years after I saw him. However, she reported him immediately to my Dad, who managed to get the man’s license revoked in Alberta (apparently he set up a practice in BC). I was confounded to think Mom hadn’t realized I too must have been a victim. Yet, no one talked about such indecent behaviour at the time.
NUMBER THREE
When I worked at a downtown hotel in Calgary in the late ’70s, the General Manager took an interest in me. In fact, when I mentioned my dream of opening a bookstore, he said he’d become a partner in my venture if I put together a viable business plan. So I did just that, and then we agreed to review the material at his place in Banff. As I spread my research and plan on a dining room table, he served me a glass of Faisca Rose. I remember a wave of wooziness overwhelming me, so I stumbled up the stairs to a bedroom. He nestled beside me on a bed but I flung his arm off before passing out, fully clothed. After a few hours he woke me for the drive home, during which I nodded in and out of consciousness.
A friend staying at my apartment took one look at me and declared I’d been drugged. Given the man’s background in medicine before entering the hotel industry, I believe he did drug me. But he did not rape me. We never spoke again of the incident — or of the bookstore. Not long after I changed jobs and relegated his actions, plus my dream, to the recesses of my mind.
ADDITIONAL REFLECTIONS
In reading my narratives some might ask: how did you end up on a dirt road, on a lap, in a condo with unfamiliar men? But each man presented as an older figure of authority, ostensibly worthy of my respect and trust. In the past, no matter how egregious the breach in conduct, few women exposed their perpetrators. Men felt so confident we would not break the code of silence they acted as though their sexual transgressions were normal.
In my unsavoury experiences, I did not characterize myself as a victim — although I was. Nor can I say the predatory men traumatized me. Somehow I managed to keep the abuses separate from my essence, asserting they revealed much about the men, little about me. Perhaps by not taking the actions personally — and the fact I was never raped — I carried on, more or less unscathed. But sexual harassment and assault damage millions of women.
Of course not all men are predators. And I don’t condemn a man who makes a clumsy pass after misreading the cues of the dating game — provided he accepts a rebuff. I abide by the principle “innocent until proven guilty” and fear living in this current climate that presumes “guilty because charged.” Still, I admire women who show the courage to reveal their harassers, no matter how many years later.
In retrospect, I regret my silent acquiescence and winced after reading an article critical of my generation: “boomers didn’t invent sexual harassment. But they should have ended the practice, rather than spending decades perpetuating it.”
LOOKING AHEAD
- Educate men to overcome outdated ideas of masculinity and male privilege. To stop objectifying women. Gender equality means to liberate both women and men.
- Create a culture in which women who have the grave misfortune to be harassed feel able to expose the perpetrator at the time, to end the harassment. As an understatement: the process is humiliating.
- Promote responsible drinking among men and women. Alcohol often factors into cases of harassment, yet its effects should not serve as a reason for unseemly incidents to occur.
My stories from the past and those of legions of other victims help confirm the MeToo movement is long overdue. Thank you for reading this thorny post. •
Roy McPhail says
I agree we need a better process, but I’m at a loss as to how to preserve the presumption of innocence and the right to cross examine complainants in that improved process. Your further thoughts are invited: anyone doing a better job of this out there?
Deborah Etsten says
Thank you for sharing these difficult experiences. I found them very moving and so well written.
Pam McPhail says
Thanks for your gracious comments, Deborah.
Glen Wickens says
I would like to think that in today’s world you would report the offenders you cite and for the right reasons so that MeToo does not get transformed into MeSue.
Marie S-McLean says
I admire your courage and transparency in sharing these experiences, Pam. Unfortunately, many of the encounters boil down to “she said, he said” and cannot be proven unless there is a witness or actual DNA evidence. This leaves the both parties to live thereafter under a shadow of suspicion. I don’t know what the answer is, but I am not willing to say upfront “I believe the victim” in order to encourage people to speak out. On the other hand, NOT speaking up perpetuates the behaviour. I don’t know what the answer is. Perhaps the courage of victims to speak up, to face the possibility that they will be maligned, bullied and threatened will force the perpetrators (in spite of all their denials) to discontinue their behaviour to avoid further publicity. That certainly requires great dedication and bravery on the part of the victim.
Pam McPhail says
The avalanche of MeToo stories has surely given pause to perpetrators — past, present and, more important, future. Since the silence has been broken, Marie, I think/hope there will be fewer abuses. At the same time, we have been reminded of the imperative of raising respectful boys/men. And brave girls/women. Tim proposed in a comment a possible way to address the all too real problem of “she said, he said.”
Linda Richardson says
Thanks for bravely sharing your experiences Pam and for suggesting some ways to move forward. Fortunately, what happened to you did not define what you thought about most men or what you thought about yourself. I, too was able to thwart a potential sexual assault back in the early ’70’s in Toronto at a Yonge Street Army Surplus store. In search of gum boots, I naively followed the suggestion of a male store employee to go into the basement where they supposedly kept the boots. Two male employees followed me down the stairs into what turned out to be an empty basement. As they both grabbed me, I swung my large umbrella around, hitting them both and then ran upstairs. Obviously, they weren’t expecting that! As I was running away, I heard one of them say they thought I was “asking for it because I wasn’t wearing a bra” (remember it was the 1970’s) and “that I went downstairs into an empty basement – what did I expect.” I related the incident to my male and female housemates who sympathized but ultimately counselled me not to report it since I hadn’t been raped or hurt. I also felt somewhat to blame because of being bra-less at the time. I was angry and indignant about what had happened but, as Pam said, women in that era tended not to report such incidents and, in many cases, thought they had somehow caused the behaviour. I am glad that women feel they can now speak out about their own sexual assault or harassment experience. However, I remain angry that they are not always believed so that, at least, an incident like that can be investigated. I hope the #MeToo movement is providing a teachable moment for young boys and men so they can learn appropriate ways of relating to women.
Pam McPhail says
Glad you shared your story, Linda. On a light note: you’ve identified a valuable purpose, not rain related, for an umbrella. On a serious note: I lament the passing of our more innocent or trusting generation. Of course you went into the basement, because it never occurred to you something untoward would transpire. Today, most children do not even walk unattended four blocks to school. That’s sad.
Tanya Maev Loretto says
I can’t add much to what has been said. I too find this a serious, yet complicated issue. My only hope is that somehow males will learn that these are not acceptable behaviours and will change their beliefs around relationships with others… Ideally no more “power over,” but instead let’s have relationships that are mutually respectful. Thanks Pam for an excellent, thought provoking post.
Pam McPhail says
The principle of “respect” should govern ALL our actions, ALL the time. Thanks, Tanya, for introducing the word.
Tim McPhail says
A very difficult read Pam. As a positive note, the times have certainly changed from 50 years ago. I have a suggestion for the he said, she said issue. There could be a special branch of the police set up to deal with these matters. The specially trained officers, both men and women, would take down all the details of the allegations and question both parties in private. There would be a confidential record of the time and place of the alleged incident. Even if the police decide not to lay charges, the file is kept for future reference. So your psychologist might receive another complaint and a pattern would be revealed. The same could happen with the General Manager. Conversely, it might happen that a serial accuser is revealed. Someone who uses a claim of harassment when they don’t get their way. False accusations can be a very serious threat to a persons career.
Dr. Ford would have been much better placed if she had asked police to investigate the assault and document the time and place and the witnesses present. Kavanaugh might not have been charged at the time, but certainly if Deborah Ramirez also filed her complaint about the Yale incident at the time of the assault, the accumulation of accusations would would probably ensure his career ambitions of becoming a judge would have ended.
I’m glad to see that Brandon encouraged you to tackle this topic. If you read this comment Brandon, I’d like to hear what you think about Pam’s article.
Pam McPhail says
Good thinking, Tim, with an emphasis on “specially trained” officers, whether they work in the police force, at universities or in other environments (CBC) where harassment occurs. Training is of paramount importance in dealing effectively with both victims and perpetrators.
Linda Richardson says
I like your balanced approach Tim.