Recently I had occasion to write a tribute on behalf of the McPhails to a longtime family friend, Nancy Power. Since Nancy attended the memorials of our Dad and Mom, true and loving friend that she’d been since 1958, the McPhail children were happy to send a few recollections to a celebration of her life.
I sent a first draft to my four brothers to edit. We eventually settled on appropriate words for Rick’s son to read at the gathering. Later Brian jokingly suggested I write my brothers’ obituaries today for them to edit and approve for the future. “The prospect of crafting four obituaries will send me to an early grave,” I replied. “Given I will predecease you, you can flip a coin or draw straws to write mine instead.” On reflection, however, I thought: what an excellent idea.
Composing obituaries compels us to recall nice thoughts about individuals. We resurrect the best memories about them from our shared pasts. Going through this exercise when we’re all still alive offers a prime opportunity to refresh our relationships with family and friends.
We don’t need to show the eulogies to anyone. Rather, we bear them in mind while continuing in our regular communications. It’s a variation on the benefits of expressing gratitude as we remind ourselves often to accentuate the positive.
If someone influenced us favourably in earlier years, we can aim to maintain or revive the behaviour. For instance, I noted in Nancy’s tribute that we witnessed camaraderie, merrymaking, loyalty and compassion in our parents and their friends. Ideally my generation embraces these traits even now.
Glen and I did not attend a service last spring in honour of a dear friend Judy Frank. But her husband provided a link to an online video. We sensed Judy’s presence in every song, every reading, every moment of the ceremony. Judy knew profoundly how much her friends and family cherished her. They’d already spoken living obituaries to her. ♥
P.S. To family and friends: if you feel your ears burn in the next few weeks, understand that I am writing about your winsome ways.
Ron Charuk says
Great article Pam! Certainly something to think about!
Pam McPhail says
Thanks, Ron.
Glen Wickens says
Who is that is that cute gal, fourth from the left? My wife! I agree, Pam: why wait for an obituary to praise a close friend or family member. So, I will say right now that you turned out to be even more beautiful than the young woman in the photo.
Pam McPhail says
I like to think you’re not being superficial by referring to physical beauty only!
Linda W says
Another article causing me to think about how important friends and family are, and to let them know while they are alive.
Clear Lake in 62….maybe I was there too. A great place to make memories.
Pam McPhail says
I’d forgotten your family might also have spent holidays at Clear Lake, Linda. You had a shorter drive. We drove over 1000 km from Edmonton, jammed into one car, no seat belts of course, with Mom and Dad chain-smoking in the front. Plenty of relatives greeted our arrival for happy times, so the trek was worth it.
Grant McPhail says
One of the exercises we did in a retirement and estate planning seminar was to write our own obituaries. Nobody knows you better. If you don’t write down how you want to be remembered somebody else will. It is a great reflective exercise. Thanks for the ideas.
Pam McPhail says
Not sure I want to guide anyone on how to remember me. I hope through my actions they can come up with some positive observations on their own.
TIM MCPHAIL says
One of the most appropriate topics ever for our Sunset Years, Pam. For after “the dying of the light”, we inevitably enter “that good night”.
So in the last few weeks I’ve taken your advice and signed over my organs and body to the medical establishment, and I am now started to write living obituaries.
Tim
Pam McPhail says
👍👍
Rod MacArthur says
I have always been intrigued about the idea of a personalized eulogy.
Perhaps a video taped message to those that we leave behind… to complement the celebration and to facilitate closure.
Rod
Pam McPhail says
An intriguing idea, Rod, though I would opt for an audio, no visual, recording. Not everyone speaks and behaves naturally in front of a camera. I might actually “harm” people’s recollections through my wooden performance! Our ideas are only good if we implement them. Maybe you start now and periodically update over the many decades of your life. Get to it!