We know of Mother’s and Father’s Days but how about National Siblings Day, observed annually on April 10th since 1995? Just as we do not choose our parents, we have no say about siblings. My mom and dad had seven children. At the time we weren’t unusual in this large number; when we moved to Edmonton in 1958, six children next door mirrored us in age.
Copious studies explore the relationships of siblings and their influence on our personalities and lives. After all, this relationship may be our longest lasting. But growing up together in the same household is no guarantee of compatibility or shared interests and values. Siblings can become our best friends or worst enemies or something in between. As a sister and on the heels of a reunion, I’ve reflected on our family dynamic. Breathe easy dear brothers: my post is not an exposé à la Spare by Prince Harry.
I understand no children, including siblings, are the same in temperament, ability or intelligence. Do parents recognize the need to adapt their styles to the differences of their children, distinguishing, for instance, the bossy, sensitive, brainy, brash or reserved? The naughty or nice? Do parents love and treat their children equally, regardless of their strengths and weaknesses? A 2021 study found that 20% of adult siblings still argue about which child is the parents’ favourite.
Sibling rivalry, which may begin as early as age three, is normal, but the way parents — and children — handle it matters. Because our family environment constitutes the practice ground for relationships we develop later in life. (Don’t watch Succession for lessons: the patriarch fuels rather than assuages sibling rivalry.)
There’s no agreement on how birth order affects personality. Some studies describe the middle child (that’s me) as “excluded and embittered”, others as “flexible, adaptable observers.” Or there’s the syndrome: “to compensate for a perceived lack of attention, middle children may either act rebellious or try to people-please.” An article in Psychology Today asserts “the firstborn child is not necessarily the achiever, the middle born is not necessarily the peacemaker, and the last born is not necessarily the manipulator.” As my post is not a tell-all, I will write no more on this aspect of sibling relationships.
A fruitful exercise at any age is to analyze, accept and deal with our family dynamic. Easier said than done. Since each sibling has a subjective reality, we experienced and remember our collective past differently. Whose “truth” do we affirm? With concerted effort, we can outgrow or modify our earlier, less desirable roles and traits.
Why value, or not, our siblings? According to psychologist Jill Suttie, “people who have close sibling relationships have better mental health, better psychological health, and better social relationships, generally speaking.” Conversely, “sibling conflict among older adults is associated in part with symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility and loneliness.”
Mom aimed to keep her children close, if not geographically then at least emotionally, as friends. She orchestrated large family reunions in 1990, 1997, 2000, 2002 (to celebrate her 80th birthday) and 2009 (her memorial), with smaller ones in between. Although rifts have occurred among us, only one is not repaired. For ten years two brothers are estranged, which begs the question is blood thicker than water? The reality: sometimes we need to end relationships that have become like oil and water. And sometimes that happens in families. Apparently 30% of American siblings are estranged.
Fortunately, I get along well with my four surviving siblings, three of whom recently attended a mini family gathering on the west coast. Our several days together confirmed we can share laughter and love. ♥
P.S. Whether the primary force in our makeup is nature (genetics) or nurture (environment), I cannot say — though acknowledge the deep effects of both.
Catherine McCallum says
Ah yes, siblings! For better or worse, they are the knowledge keepers of your life’s timelines. Although my family only had three children we had an ever-changing dynamic through the years. My older brother was my disliked “mean” brother who I was often in battle with when I was younger. Later on he became tolerable and then liked. Now he is my great friend and support. Circumstances with my middle brother, whom I was very close to while growing up, changed when mental illness took hold of him. I then became his caregiver and lost a close relationship. Regardless, his death this year impacted me greatly. All in all, I cannot imagine how lonely my life would have been without them.
Pam McPhail says
You’re fortunate, Cathy, that an ever-changing dynamic with your brothers resulted in close companionship. Please accept my condolences on the death of your brother, for whom you were a loving caregiver. And continue to relish times with your other one.
Al Frank says
My only sibling, my brother, and I were estranged for a number of years.
After the death of our mother, my late wife and sister in law made it their mission to reconcile our relationship.
I am pleased to say that they were successful. Although we live in different parts of the country, we speak almost weekly and see each other several times a year.
As you stated in your article, “With concerted effort, we can outgrow or modify our earlier, less desirable roles and traits.”
Pam McPhail says
What an inspiring story, Al. Having seen you and your brother interact, I would not have suspected an estrangement. Kudos to Judy and your sister in law for coordinating a reconciliation and to you and your brother for surmounting issues of the past.
Glen Wickens says
As the only surviving sister, you have enjoyed the indulgence of four loving brothers, Pam. I have only one sibling, a brother five and a half years younger than me. He watched me studying hard as an undergraduate and decided university was not for him. No question that the order of birth can have important consequences.
Pam McPhail says
You’re well-acquainted with the effects of birth order in my family, Glen, and right to note my “privileged” position in the middle.
Brother Brian says
Now the rivalry is for your approval. I know you like Tim best.
Pam McPhail says
Ha. Ha. I am my mother’s daughter and choose no favourites. 🤭
Linda Richardson says
A timely post, given your recent family reunion. As an inlaw to this family, I have had a front row seat to watch the ups and downs in your sibling relationships. I must say, Pam, that you are definitely the mediator when those relationships have faltered and are also the glue that cements the family over time. I have 3 siblings and although we have had some conflicts over the years, we remain close, particularly in difficult times. Last summer, all of my siblings and I and our spouses took a beautiful trip to Italy and Switzerland, including a Rhine River cruise. It was wonderful to be able to make new memories at this later stage in our lives.
Pam McPhail says
Thank you, Linda, for your kind observations about my role in the family. I admire the Richardsons in developing and maintaining close sibling relationships. Doing so requires insight, effort and compromise.
Tim says
Very well written Pam. I especially relate to your sentence: ” Since each sibling has a subjective reality, we experienced and remember our collective past differently.” I have found it beneficial to hear other interpretations of major events in the Family’s history. A 12 year old will have experienced completely different emotions to a tragedy than the 4, 7, 10, 11, and 14 year old siblings. Each child in later years can listen and learn from the alternative perspectives of the event.
Family Reunions need willing ( hopefully enthusiastic ) organizers and agreeable followers in order to be a success. That is when it soon becomes obvious who the natural leaders and who the amenable supporters are in the family dynamic. I have found the various roles have changed as each sibling aged. Power in the family often shifts from the oldest to the youngest. Of course, health often plays a factor in this evolution.
Tim McPhail ( number 2 in the birth order )
Pam McPhail says
Not sure our family is particularly good at listening and learning, Tim, but we can continue to try, especially when younger generations encourage us. Our roles have changed over the years — I assumed Mom’s as the unifier, for instance — but do any siblings have, or even want, “power”? 😉
Marilyn RB says
Pam, thank you for your insightful and compassionate reflection about family and sibling relationships in particular. I am so happy to hear that your latest reunion with your siblings went so well. My siblings and I will reunite in a few days for the occasion of my eldest sister’s 80th birthday. I am especially moved by your observation that, “ each sibling has a subjective reality(…) we experienced and remember our collective past differently. Whose “truth” do we affirm?” An acknowledgement that we each have our own perspective on any given event can ease potential tension. I feel more ready to meet with my eight siblings Friday.
Pam McPhail says
Your family surprises (and impresses) me, Marilyn, not just in the number of 11 children but in the fact there are no permanent rifts among the siblings. Have a joyful reunion in Edmonton!