Then stirs the feeling infinite, so felt in solitude, where we are least alone.” Lord Byron (1788–1824)
In early 2018 then Prime Minister Teresa May launched the first cross-Government strategy to tackle loneliness, “one of the greatest public health challenges of our time,” she said. Among other initiatives (e.g. the appointment of a Minister of Loneliness), all GPs in the U.K. will be able by 2023 to issue social prescriptions referring lonely patients to community activities and voluntary services.
Then along came COVID last year with its mandate of social distancing. Despite the necessity of sociability to our well-being, we must now do the opposite: practice self-isolation to help contain the threat of the pandemic. Loneliness has been declared an epidemic.
Loneliness and aloneness are not the same states of being. We can feel lonely when we’re not alone, in rooms of people, in our neighbourhoods, even in our relationships. Loneliness is sadness because we lack friends or satisfying connections; aloneness can be interpreted as solitude. To survive the restrictions of COVID — and to thrive in better times — we need to nurture a capacity for solitude.
Solitude is a state of quiet contemplation and examination that we practice without distractions. It’s not just playing games, watching podcasts or doing activities alone; it’s sitting or walking alone with our thoughts. It is a form of self-care. Conversing honestly with our inner self, we may uncover disagreeable behaviours and attitudes. If so, do the work necessary to recalibrate. Initially we aim to use periods of solitude to translate experience and information into self-awareness, self-acceptance and ultimately self-love. The understanding we gain in our private conversations with our isolated self will serve us well in all of our relationships.
Solitude requires discipline. If negative memories arise, for instance, we face them but recognize when to switch the focus and prevent a downward spiral. As an alternative to negativity, fill our minds with compelling ideas or pleasing images.
Like fitness, our capacity for solitude is a muscle we can strengthen over time. Practice solitude. Becoming comfortable with it, our aloneness, may be a positive that endures beyond the pandemic. •
P.S. Some adults in locked-down households seize precious minutes of solitude by hiding in their cars.
P.P.S. If we take solace in solitude, let’s also remember to burst our bubbles when COVID permits to renew the myriad benefits of sociability.
Tim McPhail says
I was wondering where you were going with :
loneliness, “one of the greatest PUBLIC health challenges of our time,”
I was relieved when you then switched gears to discuss an individual’s responsibility to solve their loneliness issues privately. Too often governments create new bureaucracies to take the place of what already exists in the real world. A person struggling with loneliness can find help from family, friends, councilors, clergy. libraries, medical professions, etc. We really should avoid Ministries of Loneliness. Sounds too close to Orwell’s fictitious Ministry of Love.
Doctors already have many resources they can use to help a lonely client.
Pam McPhail says
I like the option of doctors issuing social prescriptions: going to museums, taking classes, volunteering etc. As one doctor says: “If I tell patients verbally to walk for 30 minutes, three times a week, they’re less likely to do it than if I write it down on a prescription pad.” Similarly, filling out social prescriptions makes patients take the advice seriously — and gain a welcome boost in serotonin and dopamine levels as a result.
Tim says
Doctors can write it down without a Ministry of Loneliness. As your “one doctor” says, “I write it down on a prescription pad”. There we have it, no bureaucracy required.
Linda W says
Great photo Pam.
While living alone I experience loneliness and aloneness often. This pandemic has had a positive side for me in the sense I am able to be comfortable with both.
Pam McPhail says
Happy to hear you’re comfortable in both states, Linda. You are also a very social person (and a foodie) so must be eager to burst your bubble. We’ll meet you at a restaurant along the way!
Janet Anderson says
I enjoyed your article Pam and echo your comments Linda.
Pam McPhail says
Thanks, Janet. I’m glad you can echo comfort in this pandemic-imposed state of living.
Patricia Young says
Your topic this week brought back the memory of a particular cultural misunderstanding I experienced in the Philippines. When we first moved there, I was surprised when Filipinos occasionally asked me, with solicitous concern, “Are you lonely?”. I was “alone”, but in no way “lonely”. Eventually a Filipina friend explained that, for Filipinos, being “lonely” means being sad. If you were seated on your own, people presumed you were sad and came to sit near you as a kindness – to keep you company, to cheer you up.
This highly populated country has an average of 366.7 persons per km² compared to Canada’s average of 3.8 per km². There are people wherever one goes – so many, that some of our overseas visitors felt claustrophobic after a week with us because there were “so many people everywhere”. They yearned for a little breathing-space – your “solace of solitude”.
For Filipinos, always being with others is the natural order of things. It is part of what creates personal happiness. The concept of “aloneness” does not seem to be part of the culture. It would not be surprising to find there is no literal translation of this. Certainly, solace in solitude would be difficult to come by there – and perhaps rarely needed or wanted?
Filipinos like to claim to be “the happiest people in the world”. Maybe this is why?
P.S. Ian has suggested I add this: BTW, in the office, the ladies will always organise a small group for trips to the loo; no one goes alone. Also, if you are attending a meeting, and you are the first to arrive, the next people to show up will sit with you, not elsewhere in the room.
P.P.S This was, of course, more than 25 years ago. Things may have changed, sadly, in this world obsessed with social media.
Pat
Pam McPhail says
What a revealing recollection of cultural difference, that you could only know through experience. The Filipinos must be suffering during the pandemic given their preference for being in close proximity to one another. I especially enjoyed your anecdote about seat selection at meetings as it stands in sharp contrast to our pattern of behaviour in NA. Thanks for adding your relevant memories to my post, Pat.