November is National Adoption Awareness Month in Canada. Bear with me readers who already know about Glen’s and my experience in becoming adoptive parents. In these feel bad times I decided to write a feel good story. For posterity.
‘The Baby Project’ dominated the decade of my thirties. I was diagnosed with infertility at age 30; we welcomed an infant into our life not long after I turned 39. What a bumpy journey we endured, from laparoscopic surgery and cycles of Clomid to an ectopic pregnancy and two failed IVF attempts.
Five years after Louise Brown — the world’s first test-tube baby — was born in Britain in 1978, a group of gynaecologists at Toronto East General Hospital established Canada’s first program for the treatment of infertility using in vitro fertilization. Glen and I participated in the program in 1986 and 1987. Desperate women arrived from near and far, crammed together in a ward for twelve days, their moods swinging madly from medication, commiserating about their plights but also sharing tentative hopes for new life. Reproductive technology in the ’80s resembled the Wild West a hundred years prior, so unregulated was the field, legally and ethically. For instance, I donated my “extra” embryos to be implanted in another wannabe mom. And who knows? A younger version of Pam and Glen may be wandering somewhere in the world today.
Concurrent with medically assisted efforts to become parents we also pursued adoption. This process proved every bit as frustrating as dealing with infertility. Public adoption in Quebec meant joining a waiting list of ten years. Private adoption was illegal in our province. International adoption offered a seemingly viable option, so we embarked on a path mired in paper, protocol and procedure.
A caseworker conducted a level of scrutiny most people would call invasive, beginning with a psychosocial assessment to determine our suitability as parents. From a list of approved countries, we chose to send our dossier to India, which promised a female child under six years of age. A waiting period followed. Not days, or weeks, or months. Years of waiting ensued. Meanwhile, we were not permitted to apply elsewhere, and India capped the age of prospective parents. Our clocks were ticking.
THE CRUX
Dad died suddenly at age 62 the day after attending my marriage to Glen in Toronto. We held his funeral in Edmonton. Hundreds attended the service and passed on their condolences in the basement of Highlands United Church. Then many came to Mom’s apartment for a wake. At one point in the evening my brother Rick urged me to talk to Don MacLeod, a friend who had flown from Calgary to show his respect. Little did I know Don and I would hold a life-altering conversation.
In catching up, I mentioned my trials in becoming a mom; he told me of his client, serial killer Charles Ng. We said goodbye. Almost four years later Don phoned to find out if we were still trying to adopt, as he was serving on a committee with a lawyer who specialized in private adoption. Don put together a binder about Glen and me — the psychosocial assessment, letters of reference and employment, bank statements, photos, etc. — and gave our application to Brian Edy. Nine months later Brian called to ask if we wanted to adopt a biracial baby due for delivery in three weeks. Our answer: a resounding and unequivocal yes.
Ironically, the fact Quebec deemed its fellow province of Alberta as ‘International’ made our private adoption possible. And legal. The birth mother presented a 2 day old boy to us at the Rockyview General Hospital in Calgary on August 1, 1991. It was love at first sight … and forever after.
Unbeknownst to Dad, his death led to our life with Brandon. In 2017 I flew to Calgary to reiterate to Don: “Thank you for the profound gift.” ♥
P.S. A year after Brandon blessed us, Canada Post delivered an oversized envelope to our mailbox. In it was our application for International adoption, with a letter advising India has no children available to adopt overseas!
P.P.S. When Brandon and I met his birth mother in 2004, Luchia said she looked at over 300 applications before selecting Glen and me. It’s fair to say we won a lottery!
Catherine McCallum says
What a journey Pam! It was well worth it though with the arrival of your son!
Pam McPhail says
Yes, Cathy, persistence — and fate — made Brandon’s arrival extraordinary!
Iain MacCrimmon says
Dear Folks, what a lovely thing to have happened in all your lives after so many trials and tribulations. A special journey resulting in a most important and precious time in your lives. Inspirational to say the least! Thank You for being so candid in sharing this! ❤️👍
Pam McPhail says
Thanks for adding your compassionate remarks, Iain. ❤️
Marie McLean says
We have been privileged to watch Brandon grow and participate in the many activities our two families have enjoyed together.
Pam McPhail says
Marie, Your three cool sons, plus you and Ken, are among Brandon’s favourite people. Ours too! We probably owe you $ for the pounds of cheddar cheese Brandon consumed at your house weekdays after elementary school’s end.
Patricia B says
What a wonderful story Pam. Thank you for sharing your heart warming experience. ❤️
Pam McPhail says
Thank you, Pat, for reading and commenting on my story!
Al Frank says
Having you and Glen as parents, clearly Brandon won the lottery as well.
Pam McPhail says
You’re too kind as always, Al.
Linda Richardson says
So glad that your and Glen’s courage and persistence finally paid off, with a little serendipitous help. Fortunately fertility treatments and IVF have come a long way since the 1980’s with much more success these days and even coverage through many health care plans. Adoption (private and public) still seems to be a difficult and lengthy process. It does make you wonder why when you consider all of the children in the world who would definitely benefit from finding a loving, adoptive parent or parents. I know that the screening process has to be thorough but sometimes the bureaucracy involved loses sight of the ultimate aim.
Pam McPhail says
Yes, our journey was of its time, and much has changed since, but no doubt bureaucracy continues to frustrate.
Dale says
Thank you for sharing your journey. XO
Pam McPhail says
You’re welcome.😉 XO
Ken McLean says
Thank you for sharing your story Pam. Great that you and Glen found Brandon, and vice versa.
Pam McPhail says
You wrote one of the letters of recommendation, Ken, so it fits that Brandon bonded well with you and your family.
J Grant McPhail says
So nice that it worked out well for all of you!❤❤❤
Pam McPhail says
Indeed!👌🏻❤️
Ian M Wallace says
This is the most incredible story and, fortunately, one with a happy ending. It is astonishing, at least to me, how difficult it can be adopt a child. Your perseverance through many years is truly remarkable!
Pam McPhail says
Watching a movie set in an overcrowded city in India, streets teeming with hungry orphans, brings to mind “the letter.” At one point our kind caseworker in Sherbrooke took sick leave, so disheartening was her job in trying to orchestrate adoptions.
Tim McPhail says
Brandon has a special place in our family’s hearts also Pam and Glen.
My math tells me that Brandon will be 30 in the summer of 2021. We are planning (hoping) to travel out West to see family in the summer and it would be great to get together with Brandon if vaccinations and circumstances permit.
Pam McPhail says
You always did excel in math, Tim. Yes, our families store a deep well of fond memories. Let’s hope 2021 allows us to celebrate them.
Bruce says
Even though I know your adoption story it warms my heart to read it today. That photo tells it all. Sunshine, tennis and smiles…a wonderful family Pam. I am so happy Brandon came into your life…and what a handsome young man he has grown to be.
Pam McPhail says
For years we shared countless smiles with you and your family in the East, Bruce. Glen and I brought those cherished memories West in 2012, Brandon in 2019 when he moved to Vancouver.
Vicki Smith says
You all won the lottery! Miss all of you and wonder what Jace and Brandon would chat about first if reunited! Be well. Vicki
Pam McPhail says
I cannot guess what our sons would recall but it likely wouldn’t be about Beavers, where they first met and where you and I first met during registration.😉 Miss you too.
Marilyn R Bowerman says
Dear Pam, thank you for sharing your heartfelt adoption story. What a happy family picture! It’s clear you all won the lottery!
Pam McPhail says
Marilyn, I used to claim we’d never win a lottery because we don’t buy any tickets. Then one day I came up with the metaphor of our adoption as a lottery, which we won big time!