DIVISION OF DUTIES

When I entered our Vancouver condo, home alone for a few days, I  heard a chirping sound every 90 seconds. It didn’t take long for me to realize the hallway smoke detector needed a new battery. Okay. But that domestic duty belongs to Glen who, at 2,500 km away, wasn’t able to perform it. I removed the unit from its mounting bracket but did not feel confident to disconnect the electrical harness so couldn’t see the battery compartment door. I wrapped the detector with a towel to muffle the noise, resolving to fix it in the light of next day. Which I did.

A simple problem for sure but, over the years, Glen has assumed the role of handyman. Now I rely on him to fix things, letting many of my practical skills go dormant. This incident, however, got me thinking about our respective roles. On this annual day of romance, Valentine’s Day, I write about an unromantic topic: the division of duties in a relationship.

According to a Pew Research Poll, sharing household chores ranks third in importance of nine issues associated with a successful marriage. While we all aim to achieve a mutually satisfying arrangement about duties, ways to reach it vary among couples. Apparently, however, we should avoid a 50-50 split. Studies show couples who split housework evenly are more likely to divorce. The problem isn’t the work, but rather the dynamics of splitting it down the middle. “If you are keeping score on such things, you have already lost the relational battle,” notes Kurt Bruner.

Predictably, contented couples work as a team, referring to our work in our home. Some may negotiate responsibilities, then commit the list to print. Others may allow the situation to evolve based on strengths, enjoyment, necessity or fairness. Even if we establish a good situation early in our relationship, we should expect it to change with our circumstances, in retirement for instance. When Glen and I both worked, a cleaning woman came every week for 25 years to keep our house in order. Once retired, Glen volunteered — for fitness and economy — to do the cleaning and laundry, much to my relief.

Our duties often fall along conventional lines. I shop for groceries; he takes the car for servicing. I cook; he barbecues. I wash the dishes; he does yard work. And so on. What’s important is we do not evaluate each other’s performance (though Glen has requested fewer legumes in our meals). After all, to create a happy household we cannot harbour feelings of resentment.

In my younger years, I acquired a host of practical skills, having constructed wood frame cabins in Seymour Arm, laid flooring, papered and painted, and replaced electrical fixtures in numerous residences, built a couch (that spent a few years in one of my brother’s offices) and a kitchen island with matching cedar wainscoting, etc. All to say: I can come off the bench to substitute as a handyman if necessity dictates. But I manage all of our finances and right now Glen would be hard-pressed to take over for me. My trivial issue with the smoke detector led me to a critical insight: we must be able to assume each other’s essential responsibilities. Training our replacement is an act of love — and it is Valentine’s Day.

HOUSEHOLD FINANCES

I intend to give Glen a hard copy list of my website addresses with their corresponding passwords. He’ll learn how I buy tickets online to VIFF and Harkins theatres, book our travel, sign up for lectures at SFU, and even how to adjust the automatic reload on my Tim Hortons card. On a more serious note, I outline below basic financial information both partners should know and be prepared to perform:

• All bank accounts and PIN codes for online banking and ATM cards.
• The value and date of automatic deposits.
• Dates and amounts of automatic bill payments and transactions (e.g. condo fees, Medical Services Plan, charitable donations) in our accounts.
• All bills and how to pay them (e.g. BC and AZ Hydro, Bell, Shaw and Cox services, Vancouver and Scottsdale taxes).
• Details of our home and automobile insurance policies, in both residences. 
• Credit cards — how to monitor the balance and pay them.
• Name, address and phone number of our financial advisor. How to check investment balances online and get cash transferred.
• Contact information for our accountant who prepares our Canadian income tax returns.
• How and when to file form 8840 in the U.S. to prevent scrutiny by the IRS.
• Location of our Wills and Representation Agreements.

No doubt I’ve overlooked aspects of household financial management. Please improve this list in the comments by adding any information you believe should be shared. ♥

P.S. When Glen no longer wants to clean, we will once again employ someone. I have no desire to revive my skills in this area.