“To see a flower takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” Georgia O’Keeffe (1887-1986)
July 30th is International Day of Friendship as proclaimed in 2011 by the UN to promote the idea that friendship between peoples, countries, and cultures can inspire peace efforts and build bridges between communities. Although the Day addresses large relationships, it prompts me to think small, personal, especially since the pandemic made it difficult, sometimes impossible, to get together with friends. Yet who are we without friends? And how do we make them?
When we’re young we form friendships easily, though they wax and wane as we change schools, neighbourhoods, perhaps cities, our interests, even our personalities. Having made friends from scratch many times, I realize the older I get, the more difficult it becomes. We must be brave, put ourselves out there, risk rejection. Because making new friends benefits our health and alleviates loneliness. It also exercises our aging brains in trying to remember the details we exchange about our respective lives — almost like learning a new language.
Meanwhile opportunities to meet new people arise less often. Okay, we can try to follow Milton Berle’s advice: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” But if we move, locals may already have their friends; it’s not easy for newcomers to break into a core. Click on this post by Linda R for tips. Pursuing a favourite activity, such as tennis in Glen’s and my case, may set us on a path to friendship.
Since some individuals will turn into acquaintances rather than friends, be prepared to overcome false starts and begin anew. We need to like our friends, as well as be somewhat like-minded. That means we talk and listen with open minds and hearts, have fun together, encourage their aspirations, accept their limitations (and they ours!) — in a context of mutual trust and respect. A friend mirrors a pleasing image of ourself, and vice versa. Friendship is a tall order to fill; that’s why we treasure any we’re fortunate to make and keep.
True friendships require time. Key ingredients include doses of openness, persistence and patience plus, occasionally, a dash of serendipity. ♥
P.S. Our son’s birthday coincides with International Friendship Day. That’s apt because our relationship has evolved from parent/child to friends (though I still like Brandon to call me Mom). Brandon sheds light on the world for me now, particularly in the realm of wellness, perhaps as I once did for him.
P.P.S. Click on the link to hear a stirring rendition of “That’s What Friends Are For” sung by Dionne Warwick and Whitney Houston in 1990 at a fundraising concert for AIDS research.
Ian Wallace says
Excellent, Pam, as always.
As the Russians say:
– it’s better to have 100 friends than 100 roubles.
[Alas, this wisdom may have been temporarily forgotten in recent months.]
It’s true that making friends in later life may not be easy for some. In our apartment building, for example, there are about 50 units and we never see, from one year to the next, the vast majority of our co-residents. Compare this to school years when one is surrounded in class by several dozen young people of the same age, with everyone living in the same neighbourhood. I wonder what happened to all my former classmates, 4,000 km and many decades ago?
My suggestion: let’s organise a gala holiday meeting of all of Pam’s devoted readers! I am sure that we would have lots to talk about.
Pam McPhail says
I love your proposal, Ian. Wouldn’t we all have “fun” putting faces and personalities to names and comments. Alas, my blog will be retired before the readers of it get together for such an event. But keep your suggestions coming…
Linda Richardson says
I agree that having friends to talk to, socialize with and count on when needed is extremely important as we age up. Since you mentioned The Newcomer’s Club of Greater Victoria in your post, I wanted to add that after I “graduated” from that organization, I was able to keep in touch with many of those Newcomer friends through walking, hiking, and being part of a Book Group. So the benefits just keep going. Also, your blog talks about trying to find “like-minded” friends, When my husband and I had a friend over for dinner last weekend, I was reminded that we can still like someone even if we don’t share the same political views. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
Pam McPhail says
Thanks for your comments, Linda. I too have close friends whose politics do not sit well with me and yet… They are like-minded in other respects so I continue to value their friendship.
About serendipity: your sister choosing to retire in Vancouver sure enriched my life!
Catherine says
It is so true that friends are harder to come by in later years, especially when you relocate to another province and community. I was lucky enough to have a cousin/lifelong friend living in this community who introduced me to others. Although some didn’t become friends, a few did.
I was also lucky to reconnect with some friends from elementary, junior and senior high school in the search for classmates from our graduating class for this year’s reunion. One close friend from grade two onwards is actually living across the lake from me. We get together monthly for lunches and dinners and our husbands have also become friends. I cherish each and everyone of my friends.
Pam McPhail says
Our upcoming East Edmonton Reunion offers a fine example of serendipity being a key ingredient in making — or renewing — friendships. I’ll recall you and I reconnecting after (dare I say) about 50 years as a highlight of the pandemic. Same with several others (they know who they are!) from our hometown. Thanks for adding unexpected pleasure to my life, Cathy. I look forward to seeing you again on September 11th.
Cookie says
I have always felt that childhood friends, those who know your roots, form the strongest bonds. I can lose touch with someone from that era for years, and when we reconnect it appears that time has stood still and the conversation flows easily. Developing friendships later in life is a challenge, and it seems it takes a common
interest to make a connection. I have been blessed that tennis has afforded me that opportunity and my fondest relationship is with a foreigner!!
Pam McPhail says
Ha, ha. You’re too kind, Cookie. I too feel blessed to have developed an abiding friendship with a foreigner: you!
Marilyn RB says
Thank you, Pam! As usual, your comments and observations ring with relevancy, compassion, and insight. When finally together, true friends do reconnect as if no time or space had separated them. We pick up where we left off. Unfortunately, distance and other changes (a move) can interrupt friendship-making. More frequent use of digital technologies such as Facetime, Zoom calls, etc. can help to bridge distances. Rather than becoming accustomed to my “new” more solitary days, I need to make time to connect with dear friends while I also become more connected to my new community. Thanks for this reminder. So when are we getting together?
Pam McPhail says
You’re in that awkward stage of trying to establish new rituals and make new friends in a new city. I don’t envy your position but know if you put yourself out in your new community some individuals will be happy a lovely woman named Marilyn moved into their midst. With persistence, you will find your way to friendship.
Let’s get together on Zoom in early September to share our stories of the summer passed.