Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-64)
Just as a butterfly has never landed on me, happiness continues to elude me, even when I sit quietly. Instead I follow measures recommended for feeling happy and wrote a post two years ago giving tips about it. Yet I seldom declare myself to be in a state of happiness.
According to an article in the The New York Times by Dr. Pipher, a clinical psychologist writing about the joys of growing older, “many [women] have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice… Our happiness is built by attitude and intention.” Despite her true observations about the benefits of aging — acquiring wisdom and empathy, setting realistic expectations, valuing friends — I take odds with her assertion about choice. She underestimates the effort that goes into happiness as well as ignores the fact some individuals, given their disposition, may be incapable of attaining it. She’s minimizing the challenges of those who live with depression, for instance. Fortunately, that’s not me. When I’m unhappy, I feel medium, not dark, blue.
Today, on the International Day of Happiness, marked annually on March 20 since 2013, I offer additional strategies in the happiness pursuit, for those of us who are able to live by intention.
TIPS TO INCREASE HAPPINESS
- Move it or lose it. Physical activity has tremendous positive effects, not just on our bodies but also on our spirits. A billboard advises starting each day with a walk: “walking releases endorphins which makes mornings the new Happy Hour.”
- Laugh often. Humour not only eases our mental stress, it also has profound effects on our physical well-being. Seems there’s truth to the adage: laughter is the best medicine. Dr. Madan Kataria, a physician from Mumbai who created Laughter Yoga, says “even if you pretend laugh, the same set of happy chemicals (endorphins) are released from your brain cells.” If we’re lucky, as I am, we know friends and family who can make us laugh. If not, we can turn to humorous books, such as White Teeth (2000), The Rosie Project (2014) and Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (2018). Or watch screen comedies, for example, “Some Like it Hot” (1959), “The Truman Show” (1998), and “Meet the Parents” (2000).
- Sleep well. A full night’s sleep is essential.
- Practice humility. Don’t think less of yourself; think less about yourself. And more about others.
- Rituals matter. Even for the most unconventional among us, rituals (or routines, if you prefer) can bring comfort. They provide stability, reduce stress, and help us to establish good habits.
- Live purposefully. A job often constitutes a key purpose, but in retirement we need to fill that void, perhaps by enlarging our contribution to our family or to society through volunteer work. Devising projects (becoming a blogger?) also adds design to our days.
Here’s a conundrum: if I am not unhappy, am I happy? •
Linda Richardson says
Good tips Pam. I really liked your point about not thinking less of yourself but rather thinking less about yourself. I also agree that disposition is a big factor in whether a person generally feels happy or not. I, too have to work at being happy using many of the things you mentioned to “trick” myself into that state. But I have also learned over time that it is not helpful to always try to be a “pollyanna” when that isn’t what you truly feel.
Pam McPhail says
Yes, Linda, we need to be our authentic selves while still trying to take measures for happiness.
Marie McLean says
Actually, Pam, I think that we should consider ourselves happy if we are not unhappy. Often I have found that when I’m just going along, thinking my life is a bit boring and am just living ordinary days, that it is only when something traumatic happens and my unrecognized happiness shatters that I realize I was actually happy. When we have times when we feel happy, usually that feeling only lasts a day, a minute, or even a second. It helps to stop and say, “in this moment I am happy” before it evaporates.
Pam McPhail says
Our aim can be to prevent or at least manage unhappiness, a recognizable state, and then by default we’re happy! Thanks for your personal and astute observations, Marie.
Rick says
Happiness is a cold beer, Glen on the B-ar-be and a Pam salad waiting at the table. This is always followed by – “laugh often”. I am reminded of a Grant-ism (Pam’s father): “I am always thinking of others—— and what they can do for me”. Laugh often.
Pam McPhail says
Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re someone who can make me laugh, Rick. And not just in your Christmas missive.
Tim McPhail says
Now that you got me thinking about it, I’ve been happiest when my family and friends are doing well. For example, my children’s graduations. Oddly, my own successes don’t have the same happiness effect.
Thanks for raising the topic again Pam. You’ve made some excellent points.
Pam McPhail says
Nicely said, Tim, about relishing the successes of others as one way to improve your own happiness.
Glen Wickens says
A lot of 19th century thinkers weighed in on the topic of the happiness pursuit at a time when Utilitarianism (think of Gradgrind in Dickens’ Hard Times) made happiness the highest value and the basis for society (the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people). John Stuart Mill tried to rescue Utilitarianism from its crude, quantitative logic. Mill observed that we cannot be happy if we have to ask the question, “Am I happy?” Happiness for Mill became the by-product of not pursuing happiness directly but of working towards some goal of helping others. Thomas Carlyle thought if happiness is the goal of life we are all on the wrong track. His spokesman in Sartor Resartus, Teufelsdrockh, urges the reader to seek Blessedness, not happiness. The black spot in our sunshine is the shadow of ourselves.
Pam McPhail says
Discussions of happiness were perhaps deeper in the 19th century than in later ones. I like the specificity of Mill’s perspective: happiness is a by-product in an unselfish life.
Patricia Britton says
Such an interesting post Pam. Happiness is such a large topic. There are the poetic and humanistic elements. There are the physiological elements. All valid. I also believe we are able to change our behaviours so commend you on trying to find ways to experience happiness….. Or, as Glen suggests…. Blessedness.
Pam McPhail says
Not everyone believes we can change our behaviours, Pat, but I agree with your optimism. Thanks for adding your insight.
Linda Watts says
I have been pondering over your post for a few days now and on several occasions stopped to ask myself the question Am I happy right now?, only to become more aware of my feelings. Many of the moments I felt I was happy but no one would have known by looking at me. I have always internalized my emotions, no matter what they are and wonder why I do this. I think perhaps it is for protection, but from whom? On the other hand I have felt that since I started taking an anti depressant, it has been harder to recognize any highs and lows of happiness, as well as other emotions. I think it is important to take the time to think, on a regular basis, what makes us happy and appreciate when we are.
I too think of spending time with you and Glen and it certainly makes my happy.
Thank you for your post.
Pam McPhail says
Oh, Linda, your candour about internalizing emotions and the flattening of them is moving. You present as someone determined to take the right steps towards happiness: filling your life with new pursuits and volunteer work and going on travel adventures. I hope when you evaluate your happiness the results are in the black not the red (a fiscal metaphor given your professional background). Glen and I enjoy spending time with you — for almost seven years.