Anna Jarvis pioneered the first Mother’s Day in 1908 in West Virginia and then campaigned for the holiday to become official. Congress recognized it in 1914. However, the occasion soon sparked commercial possibilities. A simple tribute to mothers turned into a day so fraught with expectations — it generates the highest sales figures in the floral industry — that by 1920 Jarvis tried to have the very holiday she’d founded abolished.
I don’t pay much attention to Mother’s Day, never really did, though Mom and I talked on the telephone every year on the occasion. But then we spoke every Sunday morning for the decades we lived 2000 miles apart. In my younger years our relationship could be called fractious, but I came to appreciate her strengths the older I got. Now, ten years after her death, I’d like her to know I often try to emulate her. She’d be surprised … and pleased.
Born in the hamlet of Manson MB, Mom stayed true to her modest roots. Despite a certain cachet in the ’50s and ’60s in Dad being a doctor, she tolerated no snobbery. When Dad’s medical colleagues encouraged us to move to an upscale neighbourhood in Edmonton, for example, Mom insisted we remain in our demographically diverse one. When Dad joined a prestigious golf club, Mom kept her membership at the nearby one.
Mom lived her life by truisms. I’ll start with a favourite: leave when people are sorry to say good-bye. In her later years that meant short visits to her children, in-laws and grandchildren, no matter how far she travelled to see them. In earlier years, it meant saying good-bye to her children — when she was sorry to do so. Each of seven left too soon. Each brought drama. But Mom acquiesced to their departures. She understood parenting is a long process of saying goodbye.
Another truism: life is for the living. I used to think Mom callous in invoking that one, but now I get it. When her husband died suddenly at age 62, she chose to conceal her sorrow. Rather, she demonstrated determination in getting on with life, enjoying the next 22 years with friends and family.
Nike stole one of Mom’s other truisms: “Just do it.” Not a particularly reflective person, she was nonetheless a woman of action. She compiled her lists of things to do and buy, and then she just did it. Checked off every item one by one.
Posted on the kitchen wall of Mom’s condo was a list of subjects to avoid in conversation as we age. “Don’t talk about your ailments or illnesses” was her preferred one. And she followed that guideline, enduring quietly for many years the pain of osteoarthritis.
Mom raised her children by example before we’d heard the expression “lead by example.” Her children know how to entertain groups of people. To host dinner parties. To play games. We know how to make friends. And to have fun.
Mom was organized. Right to her end. She orchestrated her death in detail, first by donating her body to the Division of Anatomy at the University of Alberta and then by setting aside money in her Will to pay for a family reunion. A year after her death, one of her grandsons collected her ashes from the U of A and, a few months later, brought the urn to Sun Peaks BC where 27 of us from across the country gathered, expenses paid, to remember a strong woman who lived to the fullest a life of 86 years.
I feel fortunate a good woman helped me find my way, even though I absorbed much of her guidance unconsciously or in retrospect. On this day, may we remember — with words, not flowers — the best in our mothers. ♥
Marie S-McLean says
Lovely tribute to your mother, Pam.
Pam McPhail says
Thanks, Marie.
Ian Wallace says
Great stuff, Pam. This is the way to approach Mother’s Day, by remembering and appreciating all that you received from your mother who, amongst her many fine qualities, clearly knew the value of money and how to spend it wisely. A good example to all of us. Happy Mother’s Day!
Pam McPhail says
Thanks for adding your observations, Ian.
Patricia B says
A well written tribute to Dorothy. Happy Mother’s Day all.
Pam McPhail says
Thanks, Pat.
Cookie Semchuck says
Loved learning about your mom. She was a very pretty lady. I know one thing for sure…..she raised a terrific daughter!!
Pam McPhail says
Cookie, You’re too kind!!
Judith A Frank says
An amazing lady. I would have loved meeting her.
Pam McPhail says
Yes, Judy, she was all right!
Tim McPhail says
As your older brother Pam, allow me to add my observation that you are indeed very much your Mother’s daughter.
Another aspect of Dorothy’s decision to stay in the Highlands was the incredible number of good friends she had made there. And you’re right, they were demographically diverse. I’ve always appreciated her teaching us all people are created equal. That truism has certainly stood the test of time.
Pam McPhail says
Although at times in the past being called my Mother’s daughter might have caused mild offence, I take it as a compliment these years. For sure her most valued lessons pertained to her intolerance of snobbery and her inherent belief in equality.
Grant McPhail says
Thank you for the wonderful tribute to your mother. It took time but I really appreciate the gracious way she played her role.
Pam McPhail says
Me too, Grant!
Dana says
Such a nice tribute.
Dana
Pam McPhail says
Thanks for saying so, Dana.
Linda Richardson says
I’m reading this a bit on the tardy side – Dorothy would not appreciate that I’m sure. You captured your Mother’s fine qualities very well Pam. As a daughter-in-law, I too learned a lot from her. She always had good advice about cooking and raising children (some comments were not always appreciated – ha!) Her son Rick and I have used many of her strategies over the years. For example, she showed us how to cultivate great friends in our neighborhood and also modeled the role of a grandmother with grandchildren who were at a distance and how to keep in touch with them. Since Rick and I have two grandchildren who don’t live in the same province as us, we have found her approaches in that regard to be helpful.She also believed in having “experiences” with her local grandchildren such as taking them to the theatre, festivals, etc. rather than just caretaking. Definitely a Grande Dame!
Pam McPhail says
Mom spoke highly of you, Linda, and would value your gracious comments about her. She wanted to help, not hinder, her children and their families. In Rick’s and your case she seems to have succeeded.