A few days ago our son told me about a disturbing conflict at English Bay. A stranger accosted him, shouting homophobic and racial slurs, spraying spittle at him. Brandon called 9-1-1. Then he behaved as his higher self; he didn’t take the man’s aggression personally, realizing he was acting from a place of pain. Brandon pursued him only so far and then watched him disappear before three female officers, on the phone all the while, arrived at the scene. They asked Brandon for a description: “white, male, early 40s. Coulda been high on crack.” About his attire: “I can’t really remember. Likely shades of grey. No happy colours, that’s for sure!” The officers commended him on controlling his adrenalin rush, the fight-or-flight response. “Yeah. I didn’t fight and he flew.” Eventually, rather than continuing to choke back his tears, Brandon let them flow.
Crying stimulates parasympathetic nerve activity. It helps our body calm down after a stressful or emotional ordeal by regulating body temperature and blood pressure. Crying also flushes out excess stress hormones, releases feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin and endorphins, and boosts our mood. Brandon affirmed he felt better after his tears flowed.
But do many of us (especially men) remember how to cry? Or do we need to relearn to use our tear ducts? (Fun fact: it requires more physical effort to suppress feelings than to acknowledge them.) “Shedding tears is an invigorating and healthy physiological release,” writes Thelma Fayle in The Globe and Mail. “Crying is not just for the dying and their families; it is also a healthful expression for the living.”
TIPS
Nothing to cry about? Use the following strategies to trigger tears:
- Watch sad movies: my go-to tearjerkers include Brokeback Mountain, Charly, Dead Poets Society, Lion, Ordinary People, Remember the Titans, Schindler’s List, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas — plus three versions of A Star is Born but not Titanic.
- Listen to sentimental songs (the artist matters, as does our association with a song): A Change is Gonna Come, Always On My Mind, As Time Goes By, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Dance With My Father Again, Fields of Gold, I’ll Be Seeing You, Misty, Moon River, Sand and Water, This Bitter Earth, What a Wonderful World, Where Have All the Flowers Gone, Yesterday, and more.
- Read emotionally stimulating books: A Fine Balance, Anna Karenina, Benediction, Crow Lake, Homegoing, The Kite Runner, Love You Forever, Portrait of a Lady, Swing Low and All My Puny Sorrows, Tess of the d’Urbervilles, and more.
In thinking about crying, I came across a surprising claim from Hidefumi Yoshida, a Japanese “Tears Teacher”: “The act of crying is more effective than laughing or sleeping in reducing stress. If you cry once a week, you can live a stress-free life.”
In the past when I felt stress or anxiety, I’d undergo my own affordable therapy: relax in a hot bath and let my tears flow. Little did I know that not only is crying beneficial but, according to German scientists, “taking a hot bath can be more effective than exercise at beating depression.” A stretch? Probably, but a simple combination to try nonetheless.
Crying — in essence — makes us human. I am persuaded that ‘turning on the tap’ regularly contributes to our general well-being. How ’bout you? •
P.S. In the comments below, please add your views about crying and suggestions of movies, songs/music and books to make our tears flow.
Chris Krueger says
This is really interesting. I used to cry for many reasons. When working in the mountains during university I went on a tour of a lumber mill with a coworker when her 83 year old grandfather came to visit. I cried because I was so sad about what was happening to the trees. We didn’t talk about it. He knew what I was feeling and sent me a lovely book on BC trees. I made a very good friend. I wonder what it means that I now cry very rarely. I am still very sensitive but??
Pam McPhail says
Maybe you needed to be reminded that our mind and body benefit from the release of tears, Chris, and now you’ll add crying to your list of self-care behaviours. I’m recommitting to a regular flow of tears.
Catherine says
My heart hurts at the horrific experience your son underwent Pam but he handled it as well as I hope we all would. He deserved those tears.
Yes, crying is a therapeutic release for me. I cry at sad things, particularly sad movies (think Steele Magnolias) or watching little Ukrainian children say goodbye to their fathers going off to war. But.. I am more likely to cry when I encounter truly beautiful moments that I come across in life. Especially when viewing someone’s selfless humanity to others, a child’s innocence or delight, the beauty in nature, particularly in its grandeur, etc. I used to tear up at Hallmark commercials! Yes a daily tear flow is what the doctor ordered!
Chris Krueger says
Catherine, I feel very lucky to have these feelings. The people who don’t, I feel, miss the most important things in life!
Catherine says
I so agree Chris.
Pam McPhail says
How wonderful that you can cry tears of pleasure, not pain, Cathy. You’ve mastered a winning combination of crying and laughing as I know you appreciate humour as much as beauty.
Linda W says
I am so sorry to hear of Brandon’s experience although thankful you taught him it was ok to express his sad feelings by crying. Unfortunately I do not find it easy to cry unless I am watching a sad movie. I wish I was much more sensitive and able to ‘let go’. Thank you for the reminder Pam.
Pam McPhail says
Linda, Perhaps you should watch a video of the “Tears Teacher” to learn the fine art of crying? Anything that makes us feel well…
Janet Anderson says
Pam I’m sorry Brandon had to experience this painful incident and I’m very proud of him for controlling his actions.
Sometimes I think I cry too much. Is that a bad thing?
I think of the tears shed over the death of my best dog Bud and best horse Doc.
Too many tears shed for Dances With Wolves and Old Yeller.
Even some of the Budweiser horse commercials, albeit festive ones, might conjure up a watery eye.
Enough said. Sheesh!
Pam McPhail says
Yes, Janet, Brandon responded well in all respects. As one friend said, it’s probably a good thing that police officers witnessed, through his tears, the toll such incidents take, giving them a lesson in empathy that morning.
You’re fortunate to be able to shed tears often. The science of crying says keep your tap turned on.🤭
Marie McLean says
So sorry that Brandon was subjected to such hatred. Kudos to him for his response. As you know, I tend to cry, but I must admit that in my experience, crying makes you appear weak in the eyes of others.I believe this is still true, particularly in work environments. Maybe your advice to “let the tears flow” would work in private, but people react to someone else’s tears normally with, at best, a somewhat uncomfortable sympathy and, at worst, scorn. I actually have trained myself to feel proud when I haven’t broken down in tears in situations that normally make me tearful.
Pam McPhail says
No question it’s easier to cry in the privacy of our home, Marie. But, as you know, universities and even some private enterprises have opened rooms dedicated to crying, meditation, deep breathing and so on. Are we becoming more accepting of self-care behaviours, including public displays of sadness? Let’s hope so.
Ken McLean says
I’m very sorry to hear of Brandon’s experience, but do admire his response. As for crying in general, I cannot really feel the positive effects you speak of. I admit that when I might be moved close to tears it is in response to powerfully and movingly phrased sentiments, in songs, poems and fiction. As for movies, there are some such moments in “The End of the Affair”.
Pam McPhail says
Brandon said 9-1-1 responded promptly and effectively to his call. He appreciated his treatment by the police officers — though no doubt their being female helped.
Like exercise, crying takes practice and persistence. It’s not too late for you to learn this beneficial behaviour.😘
Patricia Britton says
Always thoughtful pieces. Thank you for sharing Pam.
Pam McPhail says
Thank you for reading Pat.